Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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