Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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