This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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