the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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