woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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