Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
