Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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