literally had 100 drinks last night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
NoShamevember. You game?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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