When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
