Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
