omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
