He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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