We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
