I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
