in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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