Betty ford says i'm here all night
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
