Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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