Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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