A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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