she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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