i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
