did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
