Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
