She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
