i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
last night I used snow as a chaser
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