i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you told grandpa to call you daddy
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
