Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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