So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
