WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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