I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
