how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
