just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
