just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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