The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
