I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
