Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
