I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
