I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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