The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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