Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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