I just saw a hot homeless man
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
