Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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