Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
