I want to make a zoo with you.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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