I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
