Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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