Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
