Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
