Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
