you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i drank out of a bidet.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
