by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
